Up On My Soapbox

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This Life - June 2004

Books I Never Wrote

I’m thinking about writing a book. I feel badly for those poor souls who, when they learn I’m a writer and ask if I’ve ever been published, are disappointed when I tell them that yes, I’ve been published in dozens of magazine and newspapers in the US and Canada. “No book?” they ask hopefully. “No”, I respond, and they quickly change the subject.

The problem is that publishers want you to write a book that people actually want to read - no, more than that, buy; as long as consumers are willing to plop down large sums of cash for a book, the publishers don’t really care if anyone reads it once they get it home - and here is where I’m having my dilemma. Which book idea should I pursue in the hopes of landing that elusive publishing contract?

Here are excerpts from some projects I’m currently working on:

Answers to Questions You Didn’t Know You Needed to Ask

Written with my Aunt Mary Ellen, who under the influence of a single glass of Genny Red is willing to give away some of her lifelong secrets in the interests of bettering humanity.

A: To see if it’s fresh, drop it is a pan of water and see if it floats

A: Three weeks and don’t scratch the rash

A: NEVER! Most people don’t know it can kill you

Stupid Is As Stupid Does: Stories of Everyday Idiots

I got the idea for this after leaving the Regal Cinemas one very cold and snowy winter’s evening after the late showing of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. I started the car, cranked up the heat, and stepped out to brush the snow off the windows, locking myself outside in the cold and nearly empty parking lot with the car’s engine running. On the passenger’s seat, mocking me from the toasty interior was my purse, which contained my cell phone and spare door key in case I ever locked my keys in the car.

The Adventures of a Reluctant Missionary

A year ago, I went on a missions trip to Mexico to help with construction at a school for deaf children. Considering that I don’t speak Spanish, don’t know sign language, hate to fly, and don’t know a hammer from a screwdriver, it was a pretty interesting trip. I went a week without a hairdryer or flat iron, endured bugs the size of my dog, and weeks later was still picking concrete out of my hair. It’s been suggested that since my experiences on that trip brought so much enjoyment to my family and friends, it would be fun to recreate that excitement by plopping me down in other foreign countries, like Thailand or Canada, to see what happens.

It’s Nothing a Little Zoloft Can’t Fix

Wit, wisdom and encouragement for people who suffer from depression, anxiety and other slight mental imbalances, including practical advice on how to survive a panic attack, how to choose the best pajamas to wear during a major depressive hibernation, and a list of excuses that will allow you to avoid leaving your house for at least three months.

Books I Never Wrote

These few summaries barely scratch the surface of book ideas I have swimming around my brain, which leads me to the conclusion that someday I may just write a book containing summaries of all of the books I’ve considered but never wrote.

So there you have it. Just some of the ideas I’m hoping a publisher will find worthy of killing a few trees to print. Considering that due to the high costs of printing, publishing, and marketing a book, most authors get about $1 for every copy sold (whereas some magazine editors will pay half that much for each word in an article), I’m not going to get rich from writing a book. But at least when people ask me if I’ve been published, I can finally say “Yes” without embarrassment.

You’ve reached a This Life ARCHIVE page. For reprint information, visit www.joannebrokaw.com